Not your traditional yuletide sing-along fare...but hopefully entertaining and at least somewhat amusing...
Circuit lights are pulsating.
There's gifts and a tree
It's Christmas on the Starship Enterprise."
Scotty's had too much whiskey,
Plays his pipes slightly off-key.
Makes a terrible din.
Bones says, "He's drunk, Jim."
Christmas on the Starship Enterprise.
Mistletoe in hand, we find them waiting,
Every female member of the crew.
So excited, they're anticipating
A kiss from Captain Kirk.
What else is new?
Uhura's gift is for Pavel:
"To be used when you travel."
He takes off the wrap.
It's an Alameda map!
Christmas on the Starship Enterprise.
At the helm, a tipsy Mister Sulu
Is chuckling and laughing to himself.
When he's asked, "What's so amusing to you?"
All he can say is:
"Ears" and "Vulcan Elf."
When Captain Kirk sees Yeoman Rand he
Gives her a box of chocolate candy.
She clutches it tight.
Could this be her night?
Christmas on the Starship Enterprise.
Who is that in red suit and a white beard
Greeted by such thunderous applause?
When he speaks,
The answer becomes quite clear,
"I'm a doctor, Jim, not Santa Claus!"
On a bridge trimmed with holly,
Glass in hand, Spock looks jolly.
He says, with a slur,
"Live long and proshper!"
Christmas on the Starship Enterprise.
Off to the Mall for Christmas gifts...a smile upon my face,
Until I realize there's not a single parking place.
Last-minute shoppers should be shot, they're just a waste of space,
And my smile slowly turns into a frown,
As I drive round and round,
And I think I just knocked some old lady down.
At last I park the car and scurry to the nearest store.
Politeness reigns as I decide to hold open the door.
A thousand people hurry in...I'll be here evermore,
And do I hear one "Thank you" in return?
Some day I'll learn
That it doesn't pay to show well-bred concern.
I stare down at my Christmas list...it fills me with dismay.
No presents purchased and tomorrow will be Christmas Day.
Next year I vow that I will shop the most convenient way;
Gift certificates placed under the tree.
Less headaches for me
And no extra cost to buy a warranty.
I'm hustled and I'm jostled, caught up in the frantic crowd
And do they have to play that Christmas music quite so loud?
I swear the next who elbows me will end up in a shroud
And a small boy is hanging on my sleeve.
Can't make him leave.
Now I'm getting claustrophobic and can't breathe!
Two women at a bargain table have just come to blows.
A wayward baby stroller makes a bee-line for my toes
And I would love to punch that plastic Rudolph on the nose.
Now the boy has a vice-grip on my thumb.
He's calling me "Mum"
And I think my whole left hand is turning numb!
Goodwill to All and Peace on Earth...oh please, don't make me laugh.
Things couldn't be more hostile at a nuclear aftermath
And if this kid don't take a hike, he's going to catch my wrath!
What's that newsflash across the radio?
It's twenty below
And they're closing half the roads because of snow.
I think I am hallucinating from the lack of air.
I thought I saw a partridge fly by carrying a pear.
That tree-top Angel just sprayed mace in Frosty's eyes, I swear!
Now the kid has his arms wrapped round my knee.
I can't shake him free
And I'm wondering if he belongs to me.
My Visa and my MasterCard burn like they were on fire.
I'll still be paying off these bills the day that I retire.
I've not a single penny left to give the caroling choir.
"I've no money" sounds Scrooge-like and so lame,
Much to my shame,
But they wish me "Merry Christmas" just the same.
I clutch my parcels tightly, heading for the closest door
And even Santa looks like he can't take it any more,
As parents scowl while children howl and throw things on the floor
And the threats fly like bolts out of the blue:
"No presents for you!"
"Keep this up and we'll forget your birthday too!"
If anyone has slipped my mind, that's too bad I'm afraid.
I wouldn't venture back into that mob if I were paid!
If I can just locate my car, I think I'll have it made.
Could have sworn that I parked right in that spot.
Guess I did not.
I think someone's rearranged the parking lot!
At last I find my car but, horror-struck, I stand and stare.
One tire is flat and I suppose that means it's out of air.
Don't ask a stupid question...no, I do not have a spare,
Nor a coin left with which to place a call.
I've no cash at all.
Seems I'll spend the HollyDays here at the Mall.
I think I've finally snapped from all the worry and the stress.
It's Christmas and, quite frankly, I just couldn't care much less.
I'm going to sit in my car...forget the whole damn mess,
'Cos the traffic's not moving anyway.
So here I will stay.
Me...and this small boy who still won't go away.
It's Christmas Eve and I am at the Mall again, I fear.
I must be masochistic to go through this every year.
I know I said wild horses couldn't even drag me here
But, as usual, I left it all too late.
Why did I wait?
Boys and girls, think you can say "procrastinate?"
I came here in a cab today...I must be getting smart.
If all goes well I'll find one when I'm ready to depart
And not fighting for a parking space is really a good start.
I can shop for an hour, give or take.
A piece of cake!
Then get home in time to watch my "Rikki Lake."
I have found out it's easier to travel with the flow
And hope that it will take you to a place you want to go.
Will I end up in a store I need? Quite frankly, I don't know
And I'm not even sure I really care
'Cos once I am there,
I'll get what they have before the shelves are bare.
I've told myself no matter what, my temper I won't lose.
I'll not be goaded into it, I out-and-out refuse.
I will stay calm through every push and shove and jab and bruise.
So, as I hum a festive Christmas song
And merge with the throng,
I allow myself to be carried along.
There's Santa in his usual spot...he seems the worse for wear,
And isn't that a fifth of bourbon underneath his chair?
I was wondering why his bloodshot eyes had such a glassy stare.
Still, he looks like a very jolly chap
In his lopsided cap,
With that toddler perched precariously on his lap.
The Helpers hand out candy canes to keep the children quiet.
I imagine all that sugar will do wonders for their diet.
The kids are getting restless, in the mood to start a riot.
As they elbow each other in the line,
They're beginning to whine.
Grabbing at the sweets and wailing, "Mine...Mine...MINE...!"
There is a tug upon my sleeve...I warily look down
To find that little boy who, last year, like a faithful hound
Attached himself with SuperGlue and followed me around.
In a panic, I struggle to get free,
Asking, "Why me?"
As I run and hide behind the Christmas tree.
I peer between the branches and the Fates are kind today.
The kid has vanished in thin air...with luck, that's where he'll stay.
I dance a merry jig and then the tree begins to sway.
Fairy lights are entangled with my purse
And I'm starting to curse.
Now bear with me, 'cos from this point it gets worse.
It topples with a thunderous crash, glass splinters everywhere.
I pinch myself, but don't wake up...this isn't a nightmare!
There are several strands of silver tinsel garnishing my hair,
And that angel will spread her wings no more.
She's grounded for sure,
Buried underneath pine needles on the floor.
I quickly make my getaway and hope I wasn't seen.
Behind me, a sporadic-twinkling trail of red and green.
Security is rushing by toward the wreckage scene,
As I skulk past with head lowered and bowed
To rejoin the crowd,
Who are "tutting" disapprovingly out loud.
Swept through some double doors, I glimpse a dazzling array
Of mannequins decked out in every type of lingerie.
It isn't on my list but I am thinking, "What the hey!"
When I'm startled by a squeeze upon my arm
And, oozing with charm,
An oily voice says, "Sorry...did I cause alarm?"
I turn to see a slimy smile, teeth capped with shiny gold.
He reeks of cheap cologne, his beady eyes are far too bold.
I get the sinking feeling I'm about to be involved
In something that is probably suspect.
That's what I detect
And I'm thinking I had best be circumspect.
He stammers for a moment, then begins to verbalize:
"You see, I think my fiancee is just about your size."
I gasp in sheer amazement, mutter, "Ain't that a surprise!"
As he dangles, mere inches from my face,
Scraps of black lace.
You would think, at least, he could have better taste!
Upon his upper lip I notice little beads of sweat.
"If you could try this on, I'd be forever in your debt;
Then if it doesn't fit, I'll look for something else to get."
This guy must think I was born yesterday,
But that's okay.
Smiling sweetly, "Yeah right, in your dreams," I say.
I yelp in pain as some bleached blonde with blatant attributes
Impales my foot with the spiked heels of her fake leather boots.
Looks like it's been a month or more since she retouched her roots
And to get in those jeans, she had to fight,
Probably all night
And they have the gall to tell me MINE are tight!
Two buxom women feud over the same silk negligee.
It warms the heart to see the Christmas spirit they display.
It looks too small too fit either one of them anyway
And it's a rather insipid shade of peach.
My...what ladylike speech!
Wonder if they're happy now they have half each.
A salesgirl nearly runs me down, pushing a half-price rack.
The sharp end of an umbrella has poked me in the back.
A fat man warbling, "Ho-Ho-Ho" just whacked me with his sack
And if they play one more round of "Deck the Halls,"
Without a pause,
I am going to rip those speakers off the walls.
My nerves are shot and I just cannot take it any more.
There's only so much that a body's able to endure.
A crowd stares down at Santa who has passed out on the floor
And I hear that there is an A.P.B.
About the hooligan who vandalized the tree.
I'm forced to face the fact this isn't going as I'd planned.
My seasonal excursion has now gotten out of hand.
I have visions of my mug shot plastered all across the land.
I will be public enemy number one.
This isn't fun...!
And I haven't even got my shopping done!
With a flash of inspiration, I know just what I will do.
I'll pick up all my presents where the "special" lights are blue.
If I scrape off all the "K-Mart" tags, no one will have a clue
That they came from the local discount store,
Where there's bargains galore.
Wonder why I didn't think of this before!
I slink out of the Mall, but there is danger lurking yet,
For screeching through the parking lot speeds one beat-up Chevette.
It's "Mister-Would-You-Try-This-On," how lucky can you get?
And he asks, "Could I offer you a ride?"
Who sits at his side?
It's that creepy boy from whom I tried to hide.
I feel as though I'm in a novel penned by Stephen King.
I'm never coming back out to this Mall for anything.
Not even if the actual Herald Angels plan to sing.
'Cos I have had my fill of Christmas cheer.
Had it to here...!
Wait and see if I do this again next year!
I'll have a swell Christmas without you.
Still wondering what it was that I loved about you.
Though you're no longer here, sure don't miss you my dear.
It's gonna be a great New Year and a really swell Christmas.
Did you truly think you were so all-fired clever
That you could get away with two-timing for ever?
Your excuses were lame...I soon wised-up to your game.
There'll be no gifts tagged with your name, not on this Christmas.
I'll have a swell Christmas, believe me.
My lawyer said that they are sure to reprieve me.
Then I'll be thumbing my nose while I'm dancing do-si-dos
And you'll be curling-up your cheating toes
This time next Christmas.
Right now, I'm stuck in this cell
Cause I blew your sorry ass to hell
With a heavy-guage shotgun shell,
But ain't it a swell Christmas?