This collaborative story was written in the Forest on January 9, 1996. VERY minor editing and a completely spurious title were added later. It is recommended that this story be soaked in boiling water, stirred occasionally until dissolved, then chilled for 30 minutes to an hour before being read!
Editor's Disclaimer: Any relation to small green creatures, living or dead, who often state catch phrases, is purely co-incidental.
(+++++This beginning is dedicated to Jman24 and stuff+++++)
Down upon the wind swept planet of Tirol Khyron stood out the top scanning the dark and destroyed planet. The barren landscapes left charred marks of the lost Zentaedi souls which died in the last battle. Khyron was known to shoot his own troops in battle for the smallest mistakes made. Azonia looked over toward Khyron.
"You are so set on the rules that you allow no mistakes at all" Khyron took his seat in his Officer's Battle Pod and armed his weapons.
"Ahhhh, how much you are right my dear Azonia. We must train our soldiers for the fiercest battle, nothing less will be acceptable. In the distance Khyron could see the faded image of the SDF-1. He prepared his troops by coming onto the vid screen and giving a small speech.
"Attention Zentraedi, this is the moment we have all been waiting for. The victory over the glorified battle fortress. Attack on my mark and ONLY on my mark. Be ready."
The hundreds of battle pods hovered in small caves awaiting the surprise attack on the SDF-1 when it landed on the planets surface. The SDF Battle Fortress slowly touched down on the dusty planets surface. An anxious battle pod couldn't hold back the tension any longer and thrusted it's hover packs into battle. Khyron watched this act of stupidity and raised his fore cannons, destroying the anxious battle Pod.
"Now my friends, the battle is ours!!! Attack with all your might and regain the Zentraedi Flagship!!!! In the name of Khyron, bring victory to our people!!!!!" With that said, thousands of battle Pods, led by Khyron and Azonia rose from the depths of the planet and began the attack on the Super Dimensional Fortress Macross.
On the Bridge of the SDF Macross, it seemed as if some one had broken open a bee hive. Battle pods were rising and hunting out of nowhere!!! It seemed as if thousands of grains of sand had just picked up and began hurtling themselves against the hull of the cruiser with the force of a million hammers. Jedard called over the com.
"Red Alert, we've been ambushed, Red Alert!!" Jedard was of a people unused to sand worlds. A people used to water deep and dark. Here they had come in search of a new world with hopes of finding oceans abundant to take refuge in. At least that is what the false missive had led them to believe.
"Full thrusters now, Mr. Salomed!! Get us out of here!!" It was well that Khyron had brought as large a force as he had for the flagship of the Zentaedi people was a force to be reckoned with. Stolen from that young fool Blamar on an early mission. The swine gave up at the first sign of trouble not wanting to damage his precious war machine but what the hell is a war machine made for if not battle? Khyron would get it back, that was for sure.
"Azonia, we must keep him down!! He's going to thrusters" Jedard felt the ship begin to rise. How he hated the dust-driven Zentaedi.
"Remius, Full phasers, rapid burst, full array. Now" The Macross began picking off Zentaedi battle pods like so many mosquito's on a hot afternoon Azonia. Seeing the rising ship tearing his compatriots from the sky, pulled a suicidal move that make him a legend in the history of Zentaeidi warriors. As soon as the ship had gained enough air, he zipped his SDF Fortress down below it, ripping out the main thrusters and burning off a third of his own crew in the process. Getting out from under just in time he watched as the Macross settled back to the ground and his leader, Khyron, called all battle pods in for the kill.
He was watching the stars fly by after he led the Fortress away from the battle. He knew that his crew was not yet ready. there was so much information that had to be acquired. For one thing, he needed to run scans that would tell him the ships compliment for the Macross and of its energy levels. Of course, having the command override codes would be nice. For this, Khyron knew that it was necessary to return to command HQ.
"Mr Jhaglkamore, plot a course for the nearest starbase inside the Celestial zone."
The celestial zone surrounded his Federations home world, the sand planet of Tirol. Jedard did not like the developments. He knew that if he allowed the Macross to escape, he would suffer for his error later.
"Mr. Salomed, plot a course to intercept the Fortress. Remius, full power. Engineering, I need everything you have." He stood from his command chair and turned to the science station. "Ms Shanghaib, please meet me in the briefing room."
The days had become very short, and what little life there was had become very pale and weak Desert plants became even more sparse. Wildlife was scattered across the horizon in alarming numbers. Even the lizards knew water was a thing of the past.
Tiny animals called trepoids left trails in the sand as their cloven feet trod heavily in search of water. They were the diggers of Tirol, well-known for their tunneling abilities. Gardeners of the hydroponic pods dreaded the damage they did to their sparse plots. This time, though their tunneling was in earnest. Holes and tunnels ravaged the surface of Tirol, making pot hole travel for the specialized desert vehicles. Only a few inhabitants of the planet noticed that the greater amount of the tunneling was accomplished in the valley of Tyre. None of the inhabitants noticed the top fin of a very large spaceship beginning to surface in the sand as the tiny animals dug looking for the water containment system underneath.
The trepoids continued their tunneling, curiously there paths that may have encountered the bon jovi subterranean ship, seemed to veer off when within a short distance. The fin slowly rose, disturbing the minimum of sand as it appeared to strain itself to view the battle that raged in the distance. It watched... and waited...... Khyron watched as Azonia settled his craft, though damaged, silently alongside his own. He had chosen well in naming Azonia his second.
" You spoke too soon of my eliminating our own as you have seen fit to do", the words though stern, held a sense of pride.
"It was necessary", was the icy reply.
" As I see it, as well", the passion no longer present in his voice.
The Macross sat, appearing helpless up on the sands. but to say it was would have been a grave error, for though its' propulsion had been rendered useless, it was still armed heavily and continued to eliminate pods at will. A momentary silence hung in the air. Khyron turned to face th bipedal lizard that had remained behind him in silence.
"Call your brethren the Trepiods", came the fear laced words, though none would admit to the presence of fear in Khyron 's company..." Now...
Kyron spoke: "It seems that the we need to make a careful approach to the fallen Macross stick close to me." Arizonia had little choice but to take the lead of Khyron together they made plans for their approach...
Meanwhile aboard the Macross Jedard readied his men.
"Listen crew this is our last stand. We need to protect this SDF-1 at all costs... if it gets back into the hands of Khyron and company the universe will have little chance against him and the united federation of planets will be doomed..." The crew listened carefully and each were lost in their own thoughts. They had prepared for this moment with much training in the Federation Academy.
"Right men," said Jedard. "Here it the plan... we wait and let them think that they have won. We don't let them know that this ship still has fire power until the crucial moment and then we strike! It is our only hope."
"No" said one of the crew members known as Yoga ( a strange being from some planet far beyond) "There is another" everyone ignored him. What would a small green creature know anyway!!!
Jedard spoke again. "To your stations."
The crew acted quickly each knowing there part in this battle was as vital to the cause..... meanwhile Khyron and his bedraggled followers were planning an attack plan.
"Ready yourselves men this is our only chance to get back the SDF-1 and restore freedom to the galaxy... its our only hope." The men were ready and braced.. years of training in the rebel training camp had prepared them for this moment. At that moment they heard an echo of a voice that was unfamiliar to any of them it... all it said is, "No there is another." They ignored it and went on with their plan.. what would a mysterious voice echoing in their heads know anyway???
"O.K." said Khyron "Here is the plan... the ultimate plan... the plan to end all plans the well thought out and the in fallible plan that is sure to win back our ship"... (he was very dramatic at times.)
"Just tell me what it is" screamed Azonia who was always impatient...
"O.K., O.K." said Khyron "Here is what we'll do..."
****Sir EnJay (a/k/a Njingi)****
Now, before I let you in on what that outrageous plan was, let's take a look back at a character who might not have gotten a second look. If it were not for THIS writer, that is. Young, green Mr. Yoga wasn't always understood as a child... from the time he could utter sound he was always saying things like:
"No, there is another" and "Always with you, what can not be done" and "Do or do not, there is no try..." His parents, at first, thought it was adorable, but after a while they realized that having a son who only spoke three catch phrases, and when he DID say them, said them backwards, could get danged annoying at times. So they enrolled him in the academy the first chance they got, and the psych therapists there had several field days with him. They discovered that the reason he talked backwards was because his brain was actually inside out, which is nothing so rare in and of itself, but the fact that his toes were ALSO triple-jointed. Made for some VERY interesting scientific papers.
So, after a few years, less young, but not yet mature, and still greenish Mr. Yoga made it onto his first assignment to a ship, and ended up in a Macross Fortress... within which it doesn't really matter who's on board and in what psychological condition they're in because they're just so many bodies crammed into it, most of them are just extras anyway, ready to be thrown out the airlock at any time as ballast.
Since Mr. Yoga, fortunately, WAS small and light, he didn't make particular good ballast, so they put him in charge of the PA system. After a few days of hearing the same phrases over and over, however, the crew threatened to mutiny, so the Captain demoted him to 'Honorary deck cleaner's assisstant's assistant.'
So, he was asked to carry coffee... not even make it, just carry it. He did, however, sneak away from his post in order to sit in on the Captain's speech, mainly so he could find a place within which to insert a catch phrase, and so he did. And, as so happens with silly little green men, he was the first guy grabbed when they were looking for bodies to throw out of the airlocks to make it look like the ship was really really damaged. They also threw out of the airlock his prized collection of stolen flashlights, several cases of ship rations (as a sort of cruel irony, since he hated them so), and waved "byebye" to him.
+++++Interlude Ends, story resumes+++++
Khyron scanned the huge Macross ship with his.. um.. scanners... and discovered that it's power was failing at an exponeetiol...hexpondendatal...expolitial... a very large rate. He moved his ship closer and discovered that there were bodies outside... or, at ,least... one body.
"What do you make of that body, Azonia ?"
"Looks like the kind of guy who say 'No, there is another.' I can't say I feel sorry for him."
"Me neither. Um... what do you make of those flashlights?"
"They seem to be... flashlights sir."
"They're not on, though, sir..."
"And they appear to be fully charged, sir!"
"FULLY CHARGED! Beam those... um..."
"Right this sec-"
"Would you like to turn one on sir?" The Captain was bathed in a yellowy glow for a moment.
"Ahhhhh... very nice."
"Well, then, shall we finish destroying that fortress?"
"Yes, Azonia, we shall!"
+++++switch to macross ship+++++
"AhhHAH! They took the flashlight bait!" and Jedard watched as one of the ships blew up.
"Gets 'em every time."
"Yes, what is it?"
"We can't turn the power back on sir?"
"Yes! You know, back ON!"
"Ah. Um... try that switch over there..."
"That's the coffee maker sir."
"Ah... um, well..." And large explosions rocked the ship....
The Macross ship thought that they had won the war, Kyron and his troops were blown to bits, but a sound came out from the distance,
"There is another..." The crew turned to see, tiny green Yoga on the ground, he nodded toward the east... Straining to see, They made out a terrible sight, Kyron's reinforcements had come! The valiant Paul Atredies, savior to the people of Dune, and master of the sands was riding with his Armada, the skilled fighters known as the Fremen on the huge worms.
"Sir," came a voice from behind the captain on the ship, "What do we do?"
"Get Yoga back on board!"
"Don't question my orders!! Do It!!" Yoga was soon brought aboard... " Ok Yoga!!" Said the captain. You said their would be another! So who is it!!! You're my last hope!"
Was that Yoga had sired a child with a serpentine-like creature that had arms. This child was to be the saviour of an aquatic race of people that resembled hippocampi but not quite. They all had special mental abilities, far greater than any race had ever encountered. The child was called Shtew and because he had no mental powers of his own, they dubbed him 'shtew-pid'. This was not an insult, as he was very charming and could easily walk on land.
Yoga summoned his child, for it was time to save the known universe. For only he could translate Yoga's one and only greatest plan of all plans. Shtew-pid was brought before the Great Council, and asked to translate the plan aboard the Macross Fortress. He was very nervous about travelling in space, and had to be brought in a special aquarium to keep from becoming ill while travelling. This made translation impossible until he was on the ship. The ensuing confusion lead to Shtew-pid being placed in the Macross Managerie with the rest of the ship's pets. When he emerged from his tank, he was very confused, thinking he may have been traded by his father to an exotic pet dealer. His father soon entered the Managerie, and explained what was going on. He began to translate the written text, and what would have taken all language experts years to comb through, was ready to be put into action in a matter of hours.
His grandfather Yogi and his great-grandfather Yamaka. . . and slowly started to translate.
"There is something that surpasses this battle which we fight...something far beyond the worlds of sand and water...something even beyond the great starships. I have grasped the meaning of life, however slippery it may be, and knowing it I have a cause to fight for... It gives me power, great power, enough to surpass any enemy. This great meaning is...is..."
Shtew looked down at the paper. It was soaked in the substance they had shipped him in. The stuff was disgusting, and it had completely covered the script... What was the stuff? He searched his mind...
"Lime Jello!" The room was silent. All looked up at Shtew.
"Lime Jello!" said the commander. "You have given me the answer!" And Shtew smiled and nodded...as clueless as he had been through all of this.
Shtew was thrilled that he had come up with the answer. He had tried as hard as he could for years to do something right, to be noticed. Now, he had. The commander sent ten men to local grocery stores to corner the market on Lime Jell-o. On Roguish Street, the stock of Lime Jell-o raised 20 points in one day. Bill Cosbyh became a very rich man due to it all.
When the men returned to the ship, they were transported up to the ship via large metal ducks The commander ordered the jell-o be stored in along with the photon torpedoes and ordered the ship to return to the battle scene.
Finally the Huge battle fortress came the moon Tirol orbiting the Gas Giant Phantoma. The clouds seemed to echo the thunderous engines of the Valkyrie fighters as they raced through the blue skies of the small, once peaceful planet.
Suddenly a strange site came to the eyes of Max Sterling, Ace Veritech Pilot. This was not the same Tirol he once knew. He flew by the once familiar buildings which looked all the same, but something was different. The entire population he once knew was gone. All he saw was Mindless Zombies walking through the endless plains. Marching Njingi's roamed the once peaceful planet. A strange feeling came over Max as he saw two Centaurs hand in hand walking down the street. The clouds formed large eyes and laughed at Max, sending echoes through his soul. Max landed and stepped out of the plane. The Centaurs were named Mike and Tim. Max went up to one and spoke.
"What has happened to my once peaceful world?"
The Centaur spoke, "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"
Max screamed, "AHHHHH HELP ME!!!!" The marching Njingis drew closer Suddenly Max was confronted by a small man wearing a cape that said SPAM.
"WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME" Max screamed. And then suddenly a ray of light hit his eyes. He woke up at the sound of his alarm clock.
"Nooooo, it's time for school."